I’ve been silently anticipating this day for longer than I realized. I lied to myself when I foolishly vowed I wouldn’t be emotional. How could I not? My not-so-little baby turns 10 years old today.

I woke up this morning and I just couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face or that lump from forming in my throat as I reflected on his 10 years of life. I realized I needed to give him the words that were in my heart-I needed to write him a letter, one that I know will not be fully appreciated now, so I won’t give it to him tonight, but one day he will find it, and I hope that every word nestles into the corners of his heart in the same way he’s filled mine.

My words are as public as my emotions are for all of my little darlings, so here I am sharing them with the world.

Disclaimer: Lengthy and fiercely sentimental.

My dearest Keaton,

I am afraid I have been selfish. These last ten years, I have been telling myself that I have been the one guiding you along this journey we walk together, doing my very best to teach you the necessary values that I pray will one day be the fundamental pillars of your life. All the while, I selfishly knew, you have been the one teaching me.

You were my first born, the one that made me a mother. Even before the moment I laid eyes on you, you had taught me how it feels to be in love with someone irrespective of what they feel for you. The title you gave me conditioned a univocal love that can only be truly evidenced by my actions and the daily example I furnish.

In my journey, I learned that being a mother consists of discovering strengths I didn’t even know I had, and facing fears I never knew existed. Even in those moments when you thought I was your hero for bandaging up the scrapes on your knee or sweeping the monsters out of under your bed, little did you know that you were the one giving me courage-unyielding courage to face everyday with unsurmountable determination-to embrace the good, the bad, and the ugly…no matter what reasons I entitled myself to buckle under.

I am overwhelmed at how quickly a decade has passed. Ten years filled with so first moments…the first time we brought you home (there was a significant ice storm that year and I thought we were going to die on the way home even though we were only going 10 mph)…the first time you got really sick and I found myself on my knees bartering with God to let me take your pain instead… I vividly remember everything about your first day of school, but especially the moment you yelled “Mommy” from the basketball court outside as I was finally leaving (since i stalked you until afternoon recess) and I turned around to find you running after me across the parking lot as you made a giant leap into my arms for just one more hug….and of course, the first time you asked me for advice on getting that special girl’s attention….

Every first was bittersweet, as I knew in those joyful moments that each one was a step further away from me and one more closer to you claiming your own identity.

It is with anticipation-and mild apprehension-that I ponder over all of the firsts that the next ten years will bring. I have been blessed beyond measure with your love in return thus far, and even though you‘ve now realized that your friends are way cooler lunch companions than your Momma, and I consider myself lucky if I get a slightly uncommitted wave of the hand instead of a giant bear hug in public, I know that in hindsight, these maternal calamities are trivial and in the decade to come there will be conflicts of far greater consequence. I pray that I will have the strength and wisdom to face them with equal parts compassion and firmness, and always, always with love.

I apologize if you’ve seen a few tears fall from my face when I look at you, or if I occasionally seem reserved as I step back and inhale the moment before me. I am merely trying to embrace this moment as I embraced you in my arms for the first time ten years ago today, because I too have grown with you in these last ten years, and I’ve learned that, though time is free, it’s priceless-you can’t keep it but you can spend it, and once you’ve spent it you can never get it back. And I believe that the only thing more precious than time is who we spend it on.

So we must make every moment count. I pray that one day you will look back and know by my actions, whether they were illustrated by tender kisses or tough love, that I loved you with every molecule of my being and I will unapologetically brag to everyone I know how lucky I feel that God picked me to be your Mom.

xxoo,

Just “Mom” (FKA “Momma”) 💙